Nobody Is Coming to Give You a Gold Star

I’m sorry I have to disappoint you.

But, nobody is coming to give you a gold star.

Somewhere between elementary school and adulthood, society discontinued the sticker based performance management system.

Unfortunately, some folks still work themselves ragged trying to earn one.

Oh? You worked through lunch?

Gold star.

You were up answering emails at 9:50 p.m.?

Gold star.

You agreed to something you had no business agreeing to because you don’t have time but you didn't want to disappoint anyone?

Two gold stars.

You came to work sick, refused any offered help, and spent Sunday evening worrying about Monday to boot?

Please come to the front of the class and pick a scratch-and-sniff sticker.

We Got Really Good at Being Good

Most of us learned early on which behaviors get rewarded.

Be helpful. Work hard. Don't complain. Be reliable. Make people happy.

Don’t get me wrong, those are good qualities. Mostly….

Until helpful becomes I always have to say yes.

Reliable becomes I can never let anyone down.

Productive becomes I feel guilty when I'm resting.

Independent becomes I shouldn't need help.

The tricky part is that people generally like these behaviors.

Nobody schedules a meeting to discuss your soul crushing level of dependability.

Instead, everyone learns to give everything to you because...you’ll handle it.

Eventually, you learn it too.

The Adult Sticker Chart

We don't really stop chasing gold stars. We just changed what the gold star looks like.

The promotion.

The compliment.

The full calendar.

Someone saying, "I don't know how you do it all."

Ahhh.

Sticker acquired.

There's nothing wrong with appreciation. The problem comes when recognition becomes proof we're doing life correctly.

That's when we start doing things nobody asked us to do, making ourselves endlessly available, and treating rest like something that has to be earned.

Sometimes we even become resentful that nobody appreciates all the extra things they never asked us to do in the first place.

Oof...

Who Is the Gold Star For?

That's the better question.

Your boss?

You boss’s boss?

Your family?

Your coworkers?

Anonymous Internet people who are currently looking at a picture of someone's lunch?

Or maybe the person you're still trying to impress hasn't been in the room for twenty years.

You can be generous without saying yes to everything.

You can be dependable without being ceaselessly available.

You can work hard without making exhaustion the measure of your self worth.

And, hear me out, you can rest before everything is finished.

Always do good work. Help people. Follow through. Be someone others can count on.

But be aware when you're chasing the sticker.

Nobody is coming to give you a gold star.

And once you get over that disappointment, it’s actually quite freeing.

Scratch and sniff stickers were pretty slick though. I wonder how they make those scents?

Take this question with you:

What am I still trying to earn that nobody is actually awarding here in the real world?